The weekend was running in a usual way, with some activities and mainly relaxation after a busy week. We only need to put kids to bed and then we can put up our feets (maybe something more interesting). Then it started: cry from the bathroom where children are and they do not want to go to bed; they did everything else than needed. Parents are starting to be nervous, plans are going to crash. Finally, a third child is in bed. Angry wife shouts on her husband and says he did anything this week and accusations end somewhere two years ago when he did not do something for her mother. Husband tries to defend himself so he says the first thing that comes to his mind beginning with lack of sex until lack of interest in his needs …
Our communication is often superficial. We get rid of our feelings through it but another time we avoid them successfully. Even when we allow ourselves to feel them, they are mostly just superficial ones. We do not want or we are afraid to look deeper, deeper into ourselves and our feelings, deeper into very core of problem that we need so much to talk about. It is a pity we avoid to say it from deep inside and from a real feeling from which this situation has washed up.
This superficial communication causes us not to understand each other because we put a lot of stories and arguments into discussion that do not make sense anymore and have nothing to do with original problem.
The reason of such communication – which often ends in quarrel and accusation – is that one of partners is hurt by some problem or situation. And because we cannot define this pain and communicate at that moment, this hurt may turn into accusations.
There might be many reasons; e.g. need to make my partner feel the pain what I feel; or need to understand why he communicated or behaved in a way that caused our pain.
In reality our story could be about situation that wife has a new haircut but husband did not notice (or she made a great lunch according to new recipe but there was no praise for her or no gratitude for her effort). So she pushed away those feelings until moment when her children “pushed the button” and thus started up the emotions. She was hurt by his neglecting instead of communication and senseless quarrel with no solution aroused. Evening was destroyed for both of them or in a worse case next few days, too.
The only option to avoid such conflicts that sometimes can harm us for longer time is to begin with communication about what is really there at that moment, about real feelings and harm that caused it. No stories or misleading. Just to say what caused this harm, what kind of behaviour triggered which emotions. If there is no room for accusations, partner will not feel under pressure and he does not start to defend himself, but he may be willing to listen to us, explain his point of view and his reasons of such behaviour and he will learn a lesson for the future. The sooner we solve whole problem the more time for relax we will have.
Thanks to this we can live much more freely, experience less pain and enjoy our life and moments that brings to us. Because we may overlook them if we feel hurt and there is pain inside of us.